More like I Know Who Bored Me.
Lindsay Lohan has as much acting talent as she has self control. And with her most recent drunken joy ride and trip to rehab, her career is over. It’s ok though, because she’s easily replaceable. Every week there seems to be a hot, fresh face that could step in and read lines with no emotion.
No one knows that better than her supporting actress in the movie, Jessica Rose, who plays “lonelygirl15″ on the Internet. She gained fame by pretending to be a teenage girl in video blogs on YouTube. Now she’s in a movie that no one cares about and will be forgotten by next week. Upgrade?
But Lindsay’s drug meltdown and a fake “Bree” aren’t what killed this movie. The production team did.
Lohan plays a girl named Aubrey, who is abducted and tortured, but later turns up with a case of mistaken identity. She must then discover who severed her arm and leg and who she really is, or some pseudo-psychological bullshit.
The director seems to bash you over the head with blue objects. See? The rose is blue. Look, the cat’s collar is blue. There’s blue over there. Blue. Blue. Blue! Blue, damnit. Ok, we get it. It’s blue… This movie blew.
Now red. Red dress. Red lights. Red. Red. You get the idea. The script was written by Jeff Hammond, a rookie, so its no wonder it has the mental equivalent of “One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish.”
It was also marketed like Lohan was a stripper, which is only half true and not that exciting. That is, it started to be marketed that way until the equivalent of this movie hit the fan and the studio cut its losses. With zero advertising and no word of mouth, this movie tanked at the box office and all those minutes of work they put into it went down the drain.
With all of these broken pieces, how much faith could this production company have in… wait, what studio is that? 360 Pictures? Who the… Ohhhh, the geniuses behind the former #1 worst movie of all time on IMDB, Crossover. Now I get it. (By the way, it was dethroned with the help of another one that opened this week, Who’s Your Caddy? a.k.a. Black Caddyshack).
Not to mention the blatant mocking of amputees and prosthetics.
So, basically, the movie doesn’t fail because of the crazy antics going on outside the movie, but the ridiculous things inside it. Do not see this movie, it’s not even worth a rental.
I give I Know Who Killed Me a one out of five.