First, I want to say this is ridiculous celebrity gossip news, but I thought I’d comment despite Lohan’s slipping ties with the process of making movies. Second, I can’t take credit for the title, but it’s clever so I have claimed it in the name of hilarity. And apparently it’s a slow news day because I’m doing C-List celebrity fluff pieces.

As you probably know and still don’t care, Lindsay “The Lush” Lohan was arrested over the long weekend for a DUI after allegedly driving her car over a curb and into a tree. And I say allegedly, but here’s a picture of the car… wrecked into a tree… that she was driving. So we don’t really need Matlock this time. But we could use Johnnie Cochran if he’s available. Most everyone has already repeated the “hire a driver” angle ad nauseum, so I’ll spare you that. But I want to get a different message to Lindsay. “Die already.”

She drove her Mercedes into a tree, fled the scene, and was arrested later after being admitted to a hospital for minor injuries sustained while being a total fucking moron. Also, police found a “usable amount of cocaine” in her car.

If I understand correctly, “a usable amount” is measured by how much a small horse can ingest before becoming glue ingredients. So clearly a slow night for Lohan. Also, I heard she responded with, “That ain’t mine” before offering sexual favors to everyone present. Sources are saying, of course.

Then two days later she’s photographed completely trashed in the passenger seat of her friend’s car. She then checked into rehab this week. Now because of her rehab her movie Poor Things is in jeopardy and she’s losing sponsors for her twenty first birthday. Oh yeah, did I mention she wasn’t of age yet?

Unlike the DUI pictures, I don’t think these new pictures are too bad. I can understand them. She’s upset from the DUI, so she went out drinking. A logical step. You know, blowing off steam and everything.

And what better way to deal with your drinking/drug abuse problem than to go out drinking and doing drugs? She has some of the good stuff and she winds up passed out in a car in front of a few paparazzi. I think we’ve all been there, am I right? Lindsay Lohan was probably tired from all the booze and pain killers, so I can understand her wanting to get a little shut eye. Maybe she’s narcoleptic. Who are we to judge?

Experts are giving her the best odds as the next Anna Nicole Smith. Right before Britney Spears and Paris Hilton in the “dies from being a dumb female celebrity” pool. But I think they’re wrong. I’m going with the dark horse. My big money is on Mandy Moore. Sure she’s a long shot, but the payoff if she takes a dive is 200:1. And I like those odds.