Piranha 3D Review

Piranha 3D is gratuitous, trashy and exploitative.  It’s filled with thinly drawn characters on camera simply to expose themselves for the titillation of the audience.  There are too many underdeveloped central characters, often displaying no logical motivation for their bizarre actions – and yet, ashamed as I may be to admit it, the end result is one of the more memorably entertaining experiences I’ve had at the cinema this summer.

Frankly, this effort is the 80’s throwback flick of the summer; eerily authentic to its B-movie inspirations in execution.  It’s even photographed in a similarly bright, almost bleached out manner.  Had the producers replaced the modern dance cuts playing in the background with the worst tunes from their old LP collections, the illusion would be flawless.

When an earthquake opens a passage under a lake in the resort area of Lake Victoria, hungry, prehistoric piranha are unleashed upon drunken, unsuspecting Spring Break frat boys and party girls.  Mayhem ensues.  Sheriff Forester (Elisabeth Shue) already has her work cut out for her, but things are complicated further when her son (Steven R. McQueen) escorts the cast and crew of slimy “Wild, Wild Girls” entrepreneur Derrick Jones (Jerry O’Connell) onto the lake and their boat becomes wedged on the rocks.  Richard Dreyfuss (appearing in one of film’s several nods to the Jaws series), Christopher Lloyd, Ving Rhames and Adam Scott also take to their quirky roles with appropriate gusto.

Criticizing the absurdity of it all is a moot point, as this is all very clearly wink, wink and nudge, nudge.  At least, the tongue-in-cheek tone is implied by the 80,000 gallons of fake blood dumped on the cast and set, or model Kelly Brook’s and porn star Riley Steele’s impromptu nude underwater dance to the operatic “Flower Duet” from Lakmé.

Still not convinced?  One character’s comically over-the-top wail of, “They took my penis!” after an attack scene, followed by a shot of the aforementioned appendage gently floating back and forth in the current should put all doubts to rest, and cause uncontrollable laughter.  But, of course, that’s exactly the reaction that director Alexandre Aja wants.

The 3D is well executed, with shallow underwater shots near the shorelines looking particularly strong and displaying notable depth.  Jaws will hit the floor on numerous occasions during the attack sequences, first with disgust, before finally succumbing to giggles.  Ever wanted to see a fish eat its way through a human head, or find out what happens when a female swimmer gets her long hair caught in a boat propeller blade?  The set up and answer to each question is revealed like a grotesque punchline, more or less in your lap.

Suffice to say, I got the gag, and for the sake of the audience, I truly hope they can get their heads around this too.  If not, well, I can at least guarantee that it’s far superior to Jaws 3-D.

(I can’t believe I’m giving it…) 4 out of 5