Machete Script Review

Published by Jeff Leins on January 26, 2010

In 2007, the Weinstein Company released Grindhouse, a double-bill from Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez meant as an homage to B-movie thrillers.  The cinematic experiment flopped at the box office, but perhaps the best parts were the faux trailers sandwiched between the two films.

Edgar Wright contributed with a haunted house trailer called “Don’t” that mocked the slow speech patterns of ad voice overs, Rob Zombie’s “Werewolf Women of the SS” was odd, but included a hysterical cameo by Nicolas Cage, and Eli Roth’s slasher short “Thanksgiving” was wickedly funny and is reportedly receiving a full-length treatment.

Then there was Rodriguez’s trailer, which he already expanded to a feature film titled simply Machete.  The $25 million movie — produced, co-directed, and written by Rodriguez — was shot here in Austin, Texas and includes one of the most wild casts in recent memory.

According to Deadline.com, 20th Century Fox secured the rights to the independently financed exploitation flick this week for $9 million and a continued partnership between Rodriguez and the studio distributing his other action movie, Predators.  A source for the financially troubled Weinstein Company told Nikki Finke, “We saw the footage and it’s not very good at all.”  With this all this activity, I thought we would take a look at the script and see what all the fuss is about.  (Contains spoilers.)

If you’ve seen the roughly two minute fake trailer, you already know “Machete” is an ex-Federale officer (played by Danny Trejo) with an affinity for large blades.  Wronged by his own police force, Machete goes vigilante to enact his revenge on everyone who doubled crossed him.  The script is packed with as much hacking, slashing, and naked women as the trailer, and it’s equally as incoherent.

In the opening scene, the script flashes back to a time when Machete was known as simply Officer Cruz, though the trusty blade and lone wolf mentality still define him.  Without waiting for backup, Machete storms a hostage situation and starts slicing up gunmen to rescue a naked damsel in distress.  Well, until this chica “pulls out a small cell phone from her snatch” and calls in Torrez (Steven Seagal), the Federale chief that literally stabs him in the back.  Seagal’s part is relatively small, except for a sword fight scene later, so those looking for plenty of action from the pony-tailed martial artist will likely be disappointed.

Cut randomly to a government agent pleasuring herself in a bathtub, handcuffing a suspect after he’s done giving it to her twin sister, and then tantalizing him with a striptease.  In that order.  It’s mostly ridiculous, but a little awesome, especially since Jessica Alba is playing the part.

But she’s not the only sexy lady and eventual Machete bedmate.  Luz (Michelle Rodriguez) is a taco truck owner with an edge and a black market weapon’s business.  When an older, broke Machete gets jumped by a street gang near her mobile eatery, the “hot taco lady” wields a meat cleaver in one of many battle scenes.

The script continues like this, interchanging beautiful naked babes with bloody action sequences.  There are multiple scenes where a character walks in on another having sex (the dialogue continues, of course), and even a Shoot ‘Em Up style simultaneous gun battle and sex scene.  Telegraphed fights break out that end in explosions or a room full of bloody pieces.  None of it makes a whole lot of sense, especially a machete gun that shoots machetes and a mini bulldog strapped with a knife harness.

The story, if you could call it that, involves a senator (an underused Robert De Niro) with a strong anti-illegal immigrant agenda and a personal advisor (Jeff Fahey reprises his role from the trailer) who believes an assassination attempt will boost approval ratings.  Machete signs up as the shooter, but before he can snipe the senator he’s sniped instead.  What a twist that’s shown in the trailer!  Being attacked and double-crossed again angers Machete and now he’s out for blood.  Err… well, more of it.  He wants revenge… again.

While being chased by henchmen (like Don Johnson), Machete kidnaps the advisor’s wife and airhead daughter (Lindsay Lohan), who may or may not be naked the entire movie.  I guess we’ll find out soon enough, though she hasn’t been too shy about going topless in magazines.  Otherwise, there’s really no reason for her part in the movie.

A clunky origin story is woven into the events lazily introducing how a young Machete finds his preacher father cut up by (you guessed it) a machete.  He develops “old testament style concepts of vengeance” and goes on a killing spree while his brother (played by Cheech Marin as an adult) becomes a man of God.  That is until he pulls out double shotguns and starts blowing people away.  ”God has mercy.  I don’t,” he says in the script and trailer.

I understand this is based on the style of 70’s B-movie exploitation flicks, but there’s not much to this script other than boobs, blood and cheesy one liners.  It’s nothing more than an extension of the clip that feels forced and over-the-top.  I suppose there’s a market for deliberately goofy action flicks but, as evidenced by Snakes on a Plane and Grindhouse, it’s a small one.  Rodriguez wants a trilogy of Machetes, but this one will need to find an audience crazy enough to sit through it first.