Armored Review

Published by Jeff Leins on December 5, 2009

Armored is hardly a film about a heist, because the very connotation of the word suggests careful planning and execution.  When all the angles are covered, the con artists pull the perfect job.  Of course, in most of these movies, typically the operation is interrupted by unforeseen wrinkles, which set up twists that keep the plot from grinding to a halt.

The Nimród Antal-directed movie borrows from the conventions of the genre, right up to the point where it might have become interesting.  A diverse group of security guards conspire to rob their own armored trucks loaded with millions.  That’s about as far as the formula takes the team (and the screenwriter).

The ill-conceived plot establishes a desperate newbie named Ty (Columbus Short) struggling to pay the bills and support his sibling, Jimmy (Andre Jamal Kinney), a street-tough truant with a talent for spray-paint art.  As if a broke working class man and a wall-tagging brother aren’t cookie cutter enough, the security squad consists of a loose cannon (Laurence Fishburne), the mastermind (Matt Dillon), and a few disposable guys who fit one minor mold or another.  However, it’s nice to see Skeet Ulrich getting more work, even if he spends most of the time standing idly by while the lack of drama unfolds.

The central conspiracy is nothing more than “well, we need money… and we’re transporting money… so we could just take it…”  The crew wants to simply pull over the trucks, dump loads of cash in a safe place, and then shrug their shoulders later when asked where it went.  The two thieves in Home Alone thought it through more.

Never mind that technology has advanced enough that an armored truck can’t just disappear off the grid for over an hour, or the money inside would be traceable and secured.  The investigating authorities certainly wouldn’t notice Ty suddenly affording to pay his debt shortly after a robbery or the evidence pointing to six suspicious geniuses whose big idea is to hide it.  The audience shouldn’t be dumb enough to believe any of this either.

The guards signal dispatch at the checkpoint before steering their trucks into an abandoned warehouse district, where conveniently their radio doesn’t work and predictably their half-cocked scheme (and movie) takes a turn for the worse.

The twist, if you could call it that, is when Ty locks himself in one of the trucks to protest the use of violence.  Now a high-concept heist is nothing more than a trapped protagonist story, like Panic Room without a hint of cleverness or Reservoir Dogs with boring bandits.  Men posture and shout at other men, guns are drawn, blood spills, but none of it thrills.  No amount of slick direction by Antal can rescue a forgettable story that locks itself in a corner with no escape.

Armored cracks the vault of movie cliches for a by-the-book caper loaded with familiar characters that delivers zero pay-off.

2.5 out of 5.