The Twilight Saga: New Moon Review

Published by Jeff Leins on: November 21st, 2009

The sequel to 2008’s vampire phenomenon is strictly for the followers of the Stephenie Meyer novels and the hordes of die-hard fanatics that squealed in delight for the original a year ago.  Newcomers needn’t bother with the requisite reading or the essential viewing necessary for being up to (super) speed on the supernatural occurrences of Forks, Washington.

The Twilight Saga: New Moon picks up just months after the star-crossed lovers shared intense gazes and forest rendezvous.  The teenage Bella (Kristen Stewart) narrates a passage from “Romeo & Juliet,” an obvious comparison to the forbidden love of its protagonists who commit suicide by throwing herself off a cliff drinking poison and revealing his sparkly chest driving a dagger into her heart.  The play is bluntly referenced again when her senior English class studies the Shakespearean tragedy and her vampire boyfriend Edward (Robert Pattinson) recites a passage of his own.

Subtlety (or lack thereof) hasn’t changed in Forks, and neither has Edward, a 109-year-old vampire with the body of a Seventeen Magazine cover boy.  Pattinson’s pained expression remains, masking his marginal talent and lack of emotional range, especially while delivering the “it’s not you, it’s me” speech after Bella’s papercut sends the blood drinkers into a frenzy.

Stewart’s incessant lip biting and hair sweeping is halted only by her skulking phase, a deep depression that spirals into a nearly catatonic state of self-pity.  “Emo” Bella curls in the fetal position for months, reacting only to angst-y nightmare jags that bring her father (Billy Burke) running.  Her suffering is mirrored by the audience’s, a torturous experience where time passes in a dark room while nothing happens.  Luckily, I was kept awake by smatterings of unintended laughter.

Bella’s friend Jacob coaxes her from the funk in after-school sessions of building motorcycles and their relationship one piece at a time.  Taylor Lautner surprisingly shows promise as an actor, if only because he was able to keep a straight face when the line “Bella, you’re bleeding!” became his cue to take off his shirt.

Naturally, Jacob’s developed pecks come from a fever that eventually turns him into a werewolf, where hanging with his friends means trading in a normal life for denim jean shorts and six pack abs.  Though their furry forms mean little more than special effects dollars spent on snarling.

A long-awaited, yet rushed climax transports Bella to Italy in order to stop “The Sparkle Show” starring a suicidal Edward Cullen.  There she encounters the infamous Volturi, a vampire council of various talents.  This plot detour provides a tasty role for Michael Sheen, but only leads to more tedious dialogue.  The dramatic pauses alone could have saved precious time that could be spent doing… well, anything else.

I was tempted to count ceiling tiles, but instead channeled my boredom into noting these numbers:  No less than six separate shirtless men.  15+ passionate embraces.  Less than 20 words spoken by Dakota Fanning.  Three brief fight scenes.  130-minute runtime.  One chaste sequel that takes itself too seriously.

The follow-up to Catherine Hardwicke’s low-budget romance has higher production value but a baffling lack of entertainment value.  Replacement director Chris Weitz drags out a stagnant story for an even duller adaptation.  At least the original had a relatable high school setting.  We all can remember passing love notes to teen crushes, but The Twilight Saga: New Moon simply transports audiences to a place where humans, wolves, and vampires slowly tell each other why they can’t be together.  Even the most fervent followers should admit some level of disappointment.

1.5 out of 5.