Battle: Los Angeles Script Review

Published by Jeff Leins on: August 6th, 2009

Last month Columbia Pictures drafted the troops for Battle: Los Angeles, a science fiction movie being directed by Jonathan Liebesman (Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning).  Still intrigued?  I don’t see how, but here we go.

Aaron Eckhart plays the lead, a Marine staff sergeant in charge of a unit fighting their way through an alien invasion in the streets of modern day Los Angeles.  Firing a weapon alongside him is Michelle Rodriguez (who also plays a grunt in James Cameron’s Avatar) as Corporal Santos, plus Michael Peña and Bridget Moynahan as two civilians they meet along the way.  Shooting begins this fall, but in the meantime I took a peek at the script.  I wish I hadn’t.

It should be noted the original Battle of Los Angeles happened in 1942 three months after the attack on Pearl Harbor.  Eyewitness reports from scared citizens started an anti-aircraft barrage on an unidentified flying object descending on California.  It was never made clear what the object was, just that it was attributed to “war nerves.”  The contemporary retelling takes those same nervous feelings people still legitimately have towards terrorism and turns it into big, dumb explosions and CGI effects.

The opening scene paints a picture of UFOs dropping from the sky and into the ocean just off shore.  Then thousands of creatures crawl out of the sea while beach-going onlookers watch and take cell phone pictures as the aliens rip them to shreds.  A squad is then ordered into the now abandoned area to check on things and make sure the Starbucks is still standing.  Why?  You’ll have to ask screenwriter Chris Bertolini.

Imagine Paul Verhoeven’s Starship Troopers, which has a similar aliens versus military plot.  Now take out all the ruminations on senseless violence in the universe.  Then remove the satirical propaganda sections.  Careful now, don’t leave anything intelligent behind.  Also remove character development.  You won’t need that.  In fact, stack it all in a box that reads, “Not intended for Battle: Los Angeles.”  This leaves you with a little bit of nudity, which we’ll also discard to ironically pack more senseless violence into this other, unbelievably terrible script.

Congratulations, aliens and guns.  You made it.  You may be the only things remaining in this script, but you’ve somehow done it.  Now run along and battle each other in Los Angeles.

I say guns and not “soldiers” or “military personnel” because any human being could play the part.  These aren’t characters, they’re literally just clones instructed to shout lines and carry the aforementioned guns to the various Los Angeles battles.  There’s almost no semblance of structure or development.  It’s just details on where to point a prop and when to run from CGI aliens while someone films all the yelling.

I can’t imagine how Eckhart and Rodriguez became involved.  Casting was either done by a giant “Wheel of Fortune” with actors names on it or by calling whoever read the script and didn’t immediately think, “Oh wow, this is garbage.”  The willing must have filed in and shouted lines from the very few scenes that require dialogue, only to find themselves playing Soldier #7 in a studio film.  “We’re looking for volume and the ability to speak English.”  Perfect for phoning it in and collecting a paycheck.

Not even Michael Bay could screw this up, it’s so far from being worthy of a feature film.  When walking pounds of flesh are shredded to bits, it doesn’t matter.  Because who cares about Soldier #7 any way?  He just marched into the alien-occupied city and got himself killed without ever saying or doing anything worth caring about.  Sure, there will be loads of explosions and gunfire, but if you want bloodshed go watch one of the hundreds of existing war movies.

My mom used to repeat the mantra, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”  So, out of respect for the rule, I’ll say this about Battle: Los Angeles: at least they’re not blowing up New York City again.