My Bloody Valentine 3-D Review

Published by Jeff Leins on: January 16th, 2009

My Bloody Valentine 3-D is old school hack-and-slash done with the latest and greatest in theater technology.  It’s mindless mayhem consisting of eye-popping (in one instance, literally) 3-D effects and a continuous vein of bloody death sequences.

From the very beginning (even the Lionsgate logo), the extra dimension immerses the audience in an extremely R-rated movie loaded with plenty of gore, gratuitous nudity, and intense thrills.  The 3-D is rarely used as a cheap gimmick to hurtle something into the crowd, though the pick axe often finds its way off the screen.  Instead, the technology is at times subtlety layered into the action so the audience feels the same claustrophobia of a cramped mine or the trapped feeling behind a chain linked fence.  With everything coming right at you, a first person struggle for a weapon may make you hold on tight.

The story itself is a remake of the cheesy 1981 original of the same name (minus the 3-D).  A freak accident in the mines of a small town turns Harry Warden into a deranged killer.  Warden dons his gas mask and mining helmet before grabbing his trusty pick axe and heading off to slaughter civilians.  A late night teenage party turns into a bloody Valentine’s Day massacre before Warden himself is finally killed.  Or so they thought…

Ten years after the murders, survivor Tom Hanniger (Jensen Ackles) returns to dump his remaining ties to the memories by selling off the inherited mine.  He finds his old flame (Jaime King) married to his rival Axel (Kerr Smith), sparking a sharp-edged love triangle ripe with drama.  But Hanniger also quickly becomes the prime suspect in a renewed batch of killings mimicking the Warden crime spree.

The plot turns into a 90s whodunit, reminiscent of teen slashers Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer and laced with occasional humor among the mystery.  Could Harry Warden still be alive?  Has the former sheriff (horror legend Tom Atkins) gone insane?  Or maybe the new sherrif, Axel, is “picking” off people?  Could Hanniger’s return be more than a coincidence?  What about the token black guy?

The masked murderer could be any of the small town residents… until the list is quickly narrowed down.  One by one they’re crossed out with a pick axe to the skull or skewered through the abdomen.  Apparently there are many, many different ways to kill someone with miner’s tools, and just about all of them are cool.  Sometimes the victims are simply piled onto the massive body count, while others are carefully prepared with a bloody holiday message.  The stalking madman and the graphic death scenes are pure 80s horror.  Jason and Michael Meyers have a new masked colleague in the world of classic killers.

But the main reason to check this out in theaters is for the “Real 3D” experience.  Director Patrick Lussier takes full advantage of the capabilities for a fun ride.  As long as you accept the fact that horror characters tend to make bad decisions, you should enjoy My Bloody Valentine 3-D.

3.5 out of 5.