Transporter 3 Review

Published by Jeff Leins on: December 6th, 2008

Transporter 3 is as mindless, incoherent, and illogical as the other two movies in the series, but with less action and more inane chattering.

The daughter of a Ukrainian official is kidnapped and used as blackmail by a group of eco-terrorists, which is soooo in right now.  Frank Martin is inevitably saddled with her babbling burden, strapped with an explosive device to his wrist and a ball and chain to his passenger seat, he’s supposed to deliver her safely… or else.

The bland femme fatale prattles on like it’s a road trip to Disney World, not a harrowing car chase across Europe.  (Actually, I did the math and the distance from where they left in Marseilles, France to Odessa, Ukraine is the same as driving from Orlando, FL to the very tip top of Maine.  No wonder it was boring…)  Martin not revving the car off a cliff to end her nonsense seemed like more of a feat.  At two points in the movie she rattles off a dinner menu.  Entertainment at its finest.

Jason Statham returns as the deadpan action hero with the cockneyed accent and the all-business delivery service.  But even he seems to be going through the motions, following the weakening formula introduced by the original and borrowed from the Bond/Bourne films.

Statham’s Frank Martin seems to have abandoned what made this series unique: his strict set of rules.  Never change the deal.  No names.  Never open the package.  All thrown out the window with the introduction of a new director, Olivier Megaton.  Who needs originality when you’ve got car chases, right?  Well, if only they had more than one of those…

This time Martin takes the battle to a variety of different transportation methods, but it winds up feeling like an R-rated Dr. Seuss.

“I will chase you on this bike.
I will park and take a hike.
You can’t stop me in this lake.
Our agreement, I will break.
You can’t catch me in my car.
I can’t go ve-ry far.
I will find you on a train.
I just wish I had a plane.”

I know, the poem seems rather elementary and just plain silly. That’s exactly what we’re dealing with in Transporter 3. Only the poem has a little more rhythm to it, instead of the uneven mash-up of poorly edited fight scenes. The cuts are so quick it’s difficult to even see what’s happening at times, an epileptic’s nightmare and a viewer’s annoyance. Which might have been more bearable if the camera wasn’t inches from the actors’ faces, like they were wearing SteadiCams around their waists.

To make up for it, the villain (played by “Prison Break” star Robert Knepper) has Martin and his new lady friend hooked up to a proximity device that will explode if they stray too far from the Audi.  Wasn’t this premise done in Wild Wild West?  Believe it or not, the bombs don’t add much, just confine the main characters to a tighter circle of terrible.

For a series on its third installment, it overdoes the numbers.  “You have 5 seconds to make a decision,” “you have 10 seconds to come with me,” or “you can’t move 75 feet from the vehicle.”  And my personal favorite, the number of men he’s able to subdue simultaneously: 10.

Even if you’re a fan of the other two Transporter adventures, save yourself the money and skip this one.  Do anything else.  Spend some time with a lady.  Ride a bike.  Go for a drive.  Just don’t watch Jason Statham do these things.

1.5 out of 5.