Max Payne Review

Published by Jeff Leins on: October 19th, 2008

It has not been a good year for Mark Wahlberg. This summer’s The Happening was the worst movie of the year, the HBO show “Entourage” he produces has declined to unwatchable status, and Andy Samberg is doing a spot on mocking impression of him on “SNL.”

Now Mark Wahlberg is starring in Max Payne, another laughably bad video game adaptation with a cliché lead character as dull and cold as the movie’s constantly falling snow. While promoting the inevitable failure The Happening in June, Wahlberg told MTV Payne was the “most complex character he’s ever played.” Which begs the question: is Wahlberg delusional, a liar, or does he just make bad decisions?

With a streak of exceptionally bad choices, you have to wonder if his Oscar-nominated performance in The Departed was a fluke. Maybe it was a natural transition back to his Bostonian roots not a well-acted portrayal.  After sitting through two back-to-back Marky Mark movies, I’m at a loss as to how he rose from the “Funky Bunch” to a key Hollywood player.

He couldn’t be any worse in this actioner about a man searching for answers about his wife and daughter’s death.  Payne is moping around in the basement with the cold case files, a fitting frigid occupation for his stony, dull demeanor.  In his spare time he follows up on flimsy leads for his own unsolved mystery, tracking down petty criminals and shoving a revolver in their face.

The detective discovers his family’s death has some connection to a junkie thug with ex-military ties named Lupino, who has the unusual ability to appear on top of every building that overlooks Payne as he wanders around the city.  Lupino is just one of the cast of characters each glaring past their brow with forced intensity, including rapper Ludacris who is still trying to be taken seriously as an actor.

You learn before terrible sleuth Payne that Lupino and his men are fueled by a curious blue vial making its way out of his wife’s former company.  The drug gives 1% of subjects super human powers and the other 99% hullicinate horrific winged valkyries.  I like those odds.  The stylized CGI creatures are the only original element of this cop drama, but are noticably out of place by being awesome admist all the tedium.

Tracking down a lead gets Payne framed for the murder of Natasha, the sister of stunning assassin Mona Sax (Mila Kunis), which makes it a bit more difficult to solve the other uninteresting homicide.  By the time the first imitation of John Woo slo-mo stops raining bullets you’ll have already decided whocareswhodunit.

Fans of the video game are better off plunking down in front of their consoles controlling the action instead of allowing director John Moore to wildly unravel this chaotic story.  Newcomers should avoid Payne all together because no amount of Advil can give you back the wasted hours.

1.5 out of 5.