Bangkok Dangerous Review

Published by Jeff Leins on: September 7th, 2008

Bangkok Dangerous is a who-cares remake starring a has-been actor with a no-where plot.  Something must have been lost in the translation from the Pang brothers’ own Thai version in 1999, which still slapped the same broken English title up front.  Bangkok Dangerous?  Movie bad.

There’s actually nothing dangerous about the movie itself, unless you consider drinking milk close to the expiration date living on the edge.  This movie is just as stagnant and unappetizing, a tall glass of spoiled talent that should be thrown out with the rest of the late summer garbage.

The original told the story of a deaf mute hitman coming to terms with his profession.  The new Hollywood version grants the hitman the gift of speech and hearing, only to give him a dull drawl and the unfortunate ability to hear his own droning voiceovers.

Nicolas Cage sleepwalks through another paycheck, a mulleted lone wolf that makes Keanu Reeves look like he’s overacting.  He’s your typical “one last job” killer with a sudden epiphany that inexplicably renews his dormant conscience.  But before he realizes the error of his murderous ways, Joe must first prove he’s a cold-blooded hard ass.  Any thug can kill someone though, Cage does it with shades on.

Joe sets up shop in Thailand, receiving anonymous assignments from a familiar crime boss and executing them with precision.  It’s as mundane and overdone as all the other hitman stories, just set in Bangkok rather than the usual American or European landscapes.  But the Pangs fail to show us anything remarkable about their home country by shooting boring, dimly lit scenes.

In order to continue being a silent assassin, Joe hires a delivery boy named Kong to run errands for him and keep himself out of Bangkok dangerous.  Joe gives him a matching digital watch, so Kong’s always on time for the constant suitcase passes.  Always with the time.  Over and over they showed the clock, like anyone cared when the action was about to start/disappoint.  I checked my own watch about 30 times and Joe still had me beat.

Along the way Joe meets a pharmacist, who seems to have adopted the deaf mute ailment from the lead character.  He’s fascinated with her childish sign language, like blinking her eyes widely for “waking up” and some sort of air piano playing for “rain.”  Joe the Hitman turns to Joe the Romantic in a mere “wake up” sign.  Yet somehow when he’s doting on a woman who can’t communicate it’s more interesting than the yawn-inducing action sequences.

By the time the plot drags itself to the end, you won’t care about Joe’s moral dilemma or the underdeveloped side characters.  You’ll want to escape Bangkok, not because it’s dangerous, but because it’s tedious.

I’m not sure who sold out more here.  Danny and Oxide Pang, who have now remade two Asian movies for Western masses.  Or producer/actor Nicolas Cage, whose once great performances are a distant memory after tacking on another unbearable B-movie.

1.5 out of 5.