Speed Racer Review

Published by Jeff Leins on: May 10th, 2008

After almost a decade since The Matrix was released, the Wachowski name still has drawing power, which speaks volumes about the ground-breaking brilliance of that film. But with diminishing returns through the rest of the trilogy and now this candy-coated nightmare, it’s time the Wachowski brothers stopped getting a free pass off essentially one big idea.

Speed Racer finishes no where near the hybrid family film/adult action movie everyone was hoping for. I’m not even convinced it was enjoyable for kids either.

Any time spent outside of a race car meant a lot of intense heart-to-heart conversations with each and every one-dimensional character. Each talking scene more boring than the next, from father-knows-best lessons to villainous tantrums about (what else) racing. I yawned more than once, so I wonder if the full PG audience was able to sustain any amount of attention span.

Finally the “but what about the race?” dialogue would end and they would actually race. Go figure, go. Shiny matchbox cars strapped with Inspector Gadget toys jump, back-flip, and slide their way around the psychedelic track at speeds that cause strange lines to appear behind the driver’s head.

After showing his skills on the track, the head of Royalton Industries courts Speed to join their team of fixed races and corporate corruption.

But the untimely death of his brother taught Speed Racer two things: the importance of family and to push the pedal harder than everyone else. Just when you think he’s out of the race and there’s no way he can come back, a cut scene to the gas pedal shows you a thing or two about children’s movie predictability.

It was like someone took the pod racing scene from Star Wars: Episode I and stretched it out for over two hours. Then they whispered “taste the rainbow” and melted Skittles on it before dropping enough acid to kill a thoroughbred.

If you focus through the hallucinogenic haze, you can make out faint references to the original anime or Saturday morning cartoon. The theme song has remained somewhat intact, chiming in when the filmmakers want you to notice something important just occurred. “Speed Racer just took the lead!” Boop dee doop, doop doop dee doop doop. Enough already.

Oh, and the clever names remain intact too. The main character, a race car driver, brilliantly named Speed Racer (Emile Hirsch). His parents, Mom (Susan Sarandon) and Pops (John Goodman). And my personal favorite, a lovable chimpanzee sidekick named Chim Chim (Willy).

These actors wander in and out of countless green screen-heavy takes, doing their best with an incoherent script and two directors who just want to show off their latest tricks. But the computer-generated kaleidescope couldn’t distract enough from the mess beneath it.  Kids will have a hard time following the story and adults will care even less.

I understand the sliding head transition was part of the cartoon, but after the thirty-seventh skull twirls across dragging the next scene, you’ll curse each and every one of those dismembered faces. At one point multiple heads criss-crossed the screen revealing a sequential barrage of nonsense and I felt like I was watching Fox News.

The Wachowskis succeeded only in one-upping the creepiness of Tim Burton’s Charlie and the Chocolate Factory while driving home the realization that they’re sadly one-hit wonders.

1.5 out of 5.